Conrad's Funny Stories

At the start of April our favourite poet and storyteller, Conrad Burderkin, came to visit and create some funny stories with all our classes and the Y3 children from Halfway Junior School . Ideal bedtime reading! ENJOY!

 

The Three Little Pigs – An alternative ending
By Morning Nursery

 

 

The Big, Bad Wolf jumped down the chimney. He was very glad to find that, this time, there was no pot of boiling water waiting for him at the bottom.

 

The three little pigs rushed to get the hoover from the fireplace. They plugged in the hoover, pressed the ‘on’ button, and hoovered up the nasty wolf, toes first.

 

“Ouch!” cried the wolf, but the brave little pigs did not stop. Once they had hoovered him up completely, they ran outside and threw him in the dustbin. It was not long before the garbage man came, driving his garbage truck.

 

A little while later, the Big Bad Wolf had been recycled and turned into a Big Brown Door, with a picture of a crocodile and a rhinoceros painted on it.

 

“Much better!” said the three little pigs, and settled down for their tea.

 

 

 

The Three Little Pigs – An alternative ending
By Reception (Mrs Featherstone’s Class)

 

 

The Big Bad Wolf was very hungry, and realised that his only chance of getting any tea was to climb up onto the roof of the house, jump down the chimney, and eat the three little pigs.

 

Which is what he did.

 

Well, he did the climbing up the roof part and the jumping down the chimney part. But as for the eating the three little pigs part, he did not get that bit quite right.

 

You see, as he came plummeting down the chimney, the three little pigs heard him coming. They rushed off to the kitchen and grabbed the toothpaste from on the windowsill. In the blink of an eye they’d returned to the lounge and…

 

SPLAT!

…they’d squirted the entire tube of toothpaste onto the floor.

 

Well done pigs!

 

The silly wolf rushed towards them and slipped on all of the toothpaste. He skated across the room, waving his arms around in the air. He slipped and slid all over the place, zooming round and round in crazy circles. Eventually he zoomed all the way back up the chimney and landed on the grass outside. He ran away, and the Big Bad Wolf was never seen again.

 

 

The Three Little Pigs – An alternative ending
By Reception (Mrs Maloney’s Class)

 

 

The Big Bad Wolf was very silly. He thought that if he climbed up onto the roof of the Three Little Pigs’ house he would be able to jump down the chimney and gobble them all up.

 

But we know that pigs are MUCH cleverer than wolves.

 

As he landed in the fireplace, the three little pigs dashed to the closet by the room and grabbed the iron and the ironing board.

 

When the iron was burning hot, they ironed the soft, fluffy wolf until he was as flat as a hotel.

 

A hotel, I hear you ask?

 

That’s right, as flat as a hotel. Which, by the way, is VERY flat indeed.

 

“Ouch! My stomach!” cried the Big Bad Wolf.

 

The pigs had not finished yet. They cellotaped him, bandaged him, and stuck him to the wall just like a picture.

 

And do you know something? The Big Bad Wolf never caused any more problems again.

 

 

 

Cheeky the Cheeky Monkey
By Y1 (Mrs Woolhouse’s Class)

 

 

Far away in the jungle, there once lived a monkey. He had a long tail, and he lived high up in the trees, in a real house with a roof. This monkey loved eating bananas, playing with his hair, and sometimes watching TV. He particularly liked driving his Rolls Royce around the jungle so fast that it made him sick. But what this monkey liked better than anything else in the whole world was to play tricks on the other animals. In fact, he was so cheeky and funny that he became known as Cheeky the Monkey, or Cheeky for short.

 

One day he saw Elephant fast asleep. Cheeky crept up to him as quietly as he could, took a deep breath, and yelled:

 

“There’s a spider on your bed!”

 

Poor old Elephant ran away, screaming like a girl.

 

Zebra was next on Cheeky’s list. She was having a leisurely drink down at the waterhole when Cheeky spotted her. Cheeky tiptoed up behind her and pushed her into the lake.

 

SPLASH!

 

“Stop it! I don’t like it!” cried Zebra, but Cheeky was already heading off to find more animals to play tricks on. It was not long before he spied Hippo in the river. Cheeky swam up to him, dived under the water, and smacked him on the bottom.

 

“Ouch!” yelled Hippo.

“Hee! Hee!” laughed Cheeky.

 

The animals were fed up. They gathered together in a secret meeting and decided that it was time to teach Cheeky a lesson.


That evening, when Cheeky was fast asleep in his house at the top of the trees, Elephant, Hippo and Zebra put their plan into action. They headed off for Cheeky’s tree as quietly as they could.

 

When they arrived, Hippo suddenly stopped. Zebra leapt onto his back, and then Elephant (with a little difficulty) climbed up onto Zebra’s back. The three animals had made a tower that was tall enough for Elephant to use his trunk and reach all of Cheeky’s prized bananas. He gathered them up and took every last one of them.

 

“Yum!” said Elephant, once the three friends were all safely back on the jungle floor. “Try these, they’re lovely.”

 

And do you know what? Zebra, Hippo and Elephant ate every last one of Cheeky’s bananas. In the morning, there was a screech from the treetops:

 

“My precious bananas have gone!” wailed cheeky.

 

“That teaches you a lesson,” replied the animals. And it most certainly did.

 

 

 

Steve the Monkey and the Picnic Surprise
By Year 1 (Mrs Swales’ Class)

 

Steve the Monkey lived in the deep jungle. Though he liked climbing up trees and hanging from vines, Steve did look rather unusual for a monkey as he often chose to wear pants and trousers on his long legs. His fur was fluffy and soft, his ears were big, and his one true love was bananas.

 

Steve. Loved. Bananas.

 

Steve was also rather cheeky. He loved nothing more than annoying the other animals with his banana based pranks. One morning, he waited for Lion to come walking along the jungle path. As he passed beneath Steve, the mischievous monkey dropped a banana skin on Lion’s head.

 

“Yuck!” roared lion. “I’m going to get Steve for this!”

 

Steve, however, was already swinging away through the trees.

 

Later the same day, Steve grabbed hold of a particularly mouldy banana. He gave it a good squeeze, sending it flying into Elephant’s face.

 

“You will pay for this!” Elephant trumpeted.

 

Steve just laughed.

 

His favourite trick was the one that he played on Zebra that afternoon. He dropped a banana skin down onto the jungle floor at the very moment that Zebra had decided to go for a walk. Zebra slipped on the banana skin and fell down on the floor in a heap.

 

“Ow! Ow!” he cried. “My bottom hurts!”

 

Steve was not worried in the slightest, and rushed off to find more animals to play tricks on.

 

Meanwhile, Lion, Elephant and Zebra met together to plan their revenge. It was not long before they had come up with The Picnic Plan. They lined up a long trail of bananas on the ground, leading to an enormous, deep hole. They carefully covered the hole with a large picnic blanket, and placed a lovely bunch of bananas on top.

 

Then, they waited…

 

…and waited…

 

…and waited…

 

They were just about to give up, when they heard a munching sound. Steve was on his way, scoffing every banana in sight! They hid behind some large bushes, and watched as Steve arrived at the blanket.

 

“Yummy!” he yelled, and ran straight for the bunch of bananas. The blanket gave way and, with a cry of terror, Steve fell head first into the hole.

 

“Help!” he screamed, sounding rather like a baby.

 

But the animals did not help. They peered into the hole and smiled.

 

“Ha! Ha!” they laughed. “We got you.”

 

And they certainly had.

 

The Dragon of Filey Brigg: Story 1
By Y2 (Mrs Prendergast’s class) and Y3

 

Long ago there lived a dragon in a place called Filey. He had yellow eyes and a body as black as soot. His mouth was as wide as a whale, though his wings were tiny. Multi coloured spikes adorned his back and he had a rusty chain hanging around his neck.

 

This was not a dragon that you would want to mess with.

 

The dragon, however, was rather unusual. He did not particularly like eating people (though he would when he was hungry), sheep, or other things that dragons usually like.

 

Oh no.

 

This particular dragon loved school dinners – apple pie, roast beef, cake, custard - you name it, he loved it. It may not surprise you to know, therefore, that the dragon did not live in a cave by the sea, nor did he live up in the clouds. He lived in the basement of Filey Primary school, so that he had easy access to the school dinners.

 

The basement was gloomy, damp and cold. Strewn across the floor was years’ worth of discarded teachers’ bogeys, lying in between the many skeleton bones that were scattered here and there.

 

Suddenly, a pair of glowing yellow eyes loomed into view. The dragon was hungry. It was lunch time.

 

He climbed up the basement stairs, shook his tiny wings, and soared down the corridor, straight into the dining hall. Joe, from Nursery, was just about to tuck into his yummy jacket potato.

 

The dragon swooped down to Joe’s plate, opened his mouth, and grabbed hold of Joe’s potato.

 

“Hey, that’s mine!” shouted Joe, but the dragon was not interested.

 

Dinner lady Gracie hurried over to see what all the commotion was about.

 

“That dragon stole my potato,” cried Joe. “He’s a bad boy.”

“He is indeed,” scowled Gracie. “And he’ll not be getting away with that again.”

 

Unfortunately, however, he would…

 

The following day was ‘Bring a Gran to School’ day. There were grandmas everywhere – grandmas with white hair, grandmas with grey hair, even grandmas with bright blue hair! Just as they were settling down to their lunch, guess who appeared?

 

That’s right – dragon features.

 

Grandma Jean was ready to tuck in to her lovely school dinner when the dragon flew across the dining hall and gulped down the entire meal, plate and all. Grandma Jean stared at the dragon and, quick as a flash, whacked him on the head with her handbag.

“Having a nice day?” asked the dinner Charlotte.

“No!” yelled Grandma Jean. “I’m hungry, and THAT dragon has stolen my lunch.”

 

The dragon yawned, and headed back to the basement for a sleep.

 

The following day, Mr Varnam, the headteacher, was having his lunch in the dining hall. He was so hungry after doing lots of headteachery –type work all morning, that he had ordered two main courses and two puddings.

 

“This is going to be great!” he said, and picked up his knife.

 

However, he did not get any further before the dragon had gobbled down ALL of his lunch.

 

“Hey!” yelled Mr Varnam.

 

A lunchtime supervisor appeared at the headteacher’s side.

 

“How’s it going, Mr Varnam?” she asked. “All going well? We do hope you’re enjoying the lunch. Our cook is excellent you know.”

 

“How’s it going?” spluttered Mr Varnam. “Seriously?! I’ve just been attacked by a wicked beast, and you ask how it’s going?” He stormed off to the staff room in a rage.

 

Meanwhile, Grandma Jean and Joe from Nursery decided that it was time to put an end to the dragon’s mischief. After calming Mr Varnam down, the three brave warriors headed off to the cliffs of Filey, armed with leftovers from lunch. As they walked, they dropped food along the way – an apple here, a banana there, half a Yorkshire pudding, several potatoes, and various other bits and pieces.

 

“You put some more food down by the sea,” commanded Grandma Jean. “Then come and join me up there.” She pointed up to the top of the cliffs above.

 

When Mr Varnam and Joe had finished, they climbed up the cliff path and made their way to Grandma Jean.

 

“What that, Gwandma?” asked Joe, as Grandma Jean pulled something out of her handbag.


“Dynamite!” cackled the old lady, and lit it with a match. She threw it on the top of the cliff. “Stand back!”

 

The three heroes rushed behind a toilet block, and waited.

 

“Kabooooooom!”

 

A huge noise ripeed through the air, and then rocks and rubble began falling down the side of the cliff, towards the beach, and…towards…the dragon!

 

“Got him!” shouted Grandma, peering over the side of the cliff. “Look!”

 

And she was right. The dragon had been covered head to toe in rocks and rubble.

 

From that day on, Filey Primary was safe. Everybody could eat their dinners in peace, and nobody ever had to deal with the dragon again.

 

Today, if you visit Filey and go to the bottom of that tall cliff, you can walk out on a rocky outcrop that stretches into the sea. It is known as Filey Brigg, and the locals will tell you that that is all that remains of the Dragon of Filey.

 

The Dragon of Filey Brigg: Story 2
Written by Y2 (Mrs Booth’s Class) and Y3

 

There was once a dragon that lived in a cave, high up on the top of the cliffs of Filey. The dragon was fierce and had teeth as sharp as the tip of a handwriting pen. His emerald green body was covered in green scales, contrasting with his pinky, purply eyes. He had red and orange curly-wurly horns and huge spikes on his back.

 

The dragon loved sunbathing, drinking milk, not to mention eating biscuits and rocks. His favourite thing in the whole world, however, was cake; any kind of cake: toffee cake, chocolate cake, birthday cake, carrot cake, lemon cake, ANY cake. If it was cake, the dragon wanted it.

 

Now at that time in Filey there was a fantastic cake shop called ‘Cakey Cakes.’ Everybody in Yorkshire travelled there to sample the delicious creations that the chief baker concocted on a daily basis. It was not just the talk of the town, it was the talk of the whole North of England.

 

Early one morning, Grandma tottered towards Cakey Cakes. She liked to start each day with a yummy slice of carrot cake, and today was no different. Unfortunately for Grandma, today was not like any other day. No sooner had she come out of the shop with her cake in hand than the dragon swooped down to her and, with a huge gulp, devoured her carrot cake.

 

“You naughty boy!” scolded Granny.

“Delicious!” replied the dragon.

 

A little while later, two teenagers bought some chocolate cake.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” said the first teenager, eying the cake greedily and preparing himself for a taste sensation.

 

However, the teenagers were not to taste a single crumb of today’s treat. Once again, before they could wrap their chops around the scrumptious cake, the dragon had appeared and snatched it from them.

 

“Yo!” cried one of the teenagers, “that’s my cake!”

“Not anymore!” laughed the dragon, and flew off into the distance.

 

Just before lunchtime, the imposing figure of Mrs Hall arrived at the cake shop. Today being Wednesday, it was time for her to buy the local school staff a cheesecake. It was the highlight of her week. The cheesecake was, in Mrs Hall’s opinion, the best thing that Cakey Cakes sold.

 

She stopped at the counter.

 

“Seen it all. Done it all. Mrs ‘all WANTS IT ALL!” she roared.

 

This was her usual greeting and the baker knew exactly to do. He brought down an enormous cheesecake from the shelf behind him and passed it to Mrs Hall.

 

“Lovely!” she exclaimed and headed out through the shop door.

 

Of course, you can guess what happened next. Greedy guts dragon-features was lying in wait. Before Mrs Hall could say ‘get yer ‘ands off mi cheesecake,’ he’d grabbed it and flown into the sky.

 

“Them wings are off, Monday!” warned Mrs Hall.

The dragon was not worried. Day after day after day he stole all of Cakey Cakes’ cakes until one day, there was nothing left.

 

Grandma, the teenagers, and Mrs Hall decided it was time to do something about it.

 

“We’re using the kitchen!” announced Mrs Hall, as the four friends stomped into the empty cake shop. “Out of our way.”

 

They baked and baked and baked for hours on end, creating a monstrous cake, the likes of which had never been seen. It looked delicious – bright pink icing stood out against the chocolate buttons that were stuck to the side.

 

However, this was no ordinary cake.

 

“Do you think we should have put SO much chilli powder in it?” asked one of the teenagers, nervously.

 

“It’s the rats’ tails that’s bothering me,” said the other teenager.

 

“Stuff and nonsense,” cried Grandma. “He deserves it. I’m only glad we remembered to put in the rotten sprouts.”

 

Off they all marched down to the beach. They carefully placed the cake on the sand and hurried up to the top of the cliffs, overlooking the wonderful trap that they had set.

 

A few minutes’ later, yours truly arrived.


“Right on cue!” giggled Mrs Hall.

 

They watched as the dragon gulped down the cake. For a moment, nothing happened. Then he began clutching at his neck, scratching and tearing at his skin with his sharp claws. A strangled scream erupted from his wide open mouth and then, quite suddenly, he fell down face first into the sea.

 

“I think that might be the last we see of him!” laughed Grandma.

 

And she was right. The dragon never moved again. And, as the locals will tell you, if you ever come to visit Filey you can walk out onto Filey Brigg, which is all that remains of the bones of the cake eating dragon of Filey.

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